Mending. That’s a quaint old word that doesn’t get put into play much anymore, when it comes to our stuff. Recycling happens, but there’s a lot of conversation out there about how people need to be taught to do it properly, because they aren’t being careful when it comes to separating their stuff. Trashing stuff seems to be pretty universal, as there is garbage everywhere you look (Man, I sure miss the Don’t Be a Litterbug campaign). The bottom line on those three is: 1) We are basically okay with throwing stuff out; and 2) We’re getting to a point where we have wrapped our heads around assessing stuff to be repurposed; but somehow the idea of 3) Fixing our stuff seems like an old fashioned, antiquated notion, something that people did once upon a time.
I can remember a time when repair shops were all around the city. You would take your toaster, television or radio to a building where parts and pieces were strewn on every countertop and table and, for very little money, somebody would fix whatever was broken. My piano teacher had a screen door that had patches all over it (some shaped liked butterflies, bees and ladybugs) and I don’t believe she every replaced it, all the days of her life. She just kept adding to it whenever her dog or cat scratched at it. It was quite beautiful, actually. When you looked through it, just right.
The disposable “get it out of my sight” mentality is causing more harm than good, I think, and not only when it comes to material objects. I’ve watched it transfer over to relationships, too. People no longer want to make much of an effort when things go sideways with someone they profess to care about. That makes me sad. It’s as though we’ve forgotten how to forgive or mend fences with folks.
There are some who do the “slow fade” or “ghost” someone, removing themself from a situation, putting as much distance as possible between you and them, essentially throwing the relationship away. Then, there’s the habit of only making contact when something is needed, which is basically recycling or repurposing a relationship when it is convenient and beneficial. Now, I realize there is a natural ebb and flow to interactions (only sending a holiday card or an occasional email or text), but you can feel when it’s happening organically (“Life gets busy!”) or not. You know when you’re being tossed out or reused. The heart can tell.
In my long-lived life, I have been guilty of both trashing and recycling relationships. I’m not proud. Just being honest. It pains me to close my eyes and see the faces of those in my mental rolodex who are so far out of my life I can no longer reach them. Most hurtful are those who have died, so I cannot share with them the hard lessons I’ve learned about mending fences. See, when I was younger, I lacked the honesty needed for the proper communication to make repairs of the heart. I also was quick and eager to find favor with people who hurt me, not wishing to be trashed myself. All of my relationships were mixed up. When you’re immature and more than a little damaged, your ability to accurately assess what to do with what’s in front of you makes the whole relationship trash / recycle / mend thing messy. Taking care of a heart is complicated.
Ours is a culture quite aware these days of how we need to take care of the planet. We talk about the damage we’ve done to our big beautiful home. Posters and campaigns can be seen everywhere bringing attention to extinction, toxic waters and climate change. It makes me both happy and sad to see. Sad, because we’ve behaved so badly but happy because we know we must learn from and find a way to correct our mistakes, even though it is (and will be) complicated. We understand trashing and recycling, but it seems s though we are poised to embrace mending. It is my hope that we transfer that way of thinking to human beings.
Fixing and repairing ANYthing is a lot of work. When I reach out and make an effort to have the difficult conversations to mend my relationships, there is weeping and the occasional gnashing of teeth, but it is worth it — when the connection is healthy and worthy. Make an effort to know 1) What to toss as garbage and unnecessary; 2) What to release for repurposing (for someone else to have and to hold); and 3) What needs time and attention to repair. Like the screen in my piano teacher’s parlor, I want my heart to show the repairs from scratches, with patches all over it, some shaped like butterflies, bees and ladybugs. I know it will be a thing of beauty, when you look through it… just right.
xo – t.
“Forgiveness is the needle that knows how to mend.” – Jewel
“There’s no such thing as ‘Away’ – When we throw anything away, it must go somewhere.” – Annie Leonard
“Your garbage transformed is a gift.” – Yehuda Berg
“Happy are those who hear their detractions and can put them to mending” – Wm. Shakespeare