Describe yourself and who you’re looking for in 2,000 words or less. This is the criteria set forth when a well-meaning friend encourages you to toss your hat, or more appropriately pen, into an on-line dating pool. Being a woman of words, I thought I was up to this challenge… but I’m at a loss for words.
Aw, not really. That’s a lie.
The problem is more along the lines of having too many words rattling around in my head and by the time they make their way onto the computer screen – well, it’s probably not what any red-blooded male of average height and build seeking a woman of petite athletic frame for long walks along the beach at sunset and occasional wine tasting wants to read.
So, they’ll have to read it here.
First off, I have to ask what is the deal with all the men who claim they are in search of a woman who loves camping? Really? Camping? 9 out of 10 profiles feature men looking for that “special woman” who loves hiking, camping and fishing. Uhm, no… I think they’re looking for a woman with an ample supply of moleskin, blister bandages, love of scaling, gutting and beer batter with no fear of cleaning a ten pound cast iron skillet under cold running water while standing in the dark. Oh, yeah. That’s me in a not-all-its-cracked-up-to-be nutshell, all right.
It is my opinion that camping is something 21st century people do to remind themselves how bloody much they love civilization and electricity once they return to it. Honestly, I’ve been camping and I’d never been so happy to see a washer, dryer and dishwasher afterwards – therefore, methinks this is part of the grand scheme of the camping man. Take a woman camping and she’ll not complain about household chores for a good three to four months after. A simple plan, yet wickedly brilliant.
I’ll make you a deal, brave He Who Shows Fish to Fire, I’m the woman who will give you your freedom to run off into the woods with a buddy who loves camping (if you don’t have one, we’ll get you one – they’re thick as thieves on dating sites). While you use those Eagle Scout (TOTAL bonus points, by the way) skills to find your way back to the campsite from your 12 mile hike, I’ll be out to lunch having a glass of pinot grigio with the poached salmon that some other man has caught and prepared. Don’t be jealous, I’m with my girlfriends (the ones who hate camping, too).
Some of the gentlemen out there in computerland mention an awful lot of travel in their profiles. Travel for work and travel for pleasure and travel maybe because they’re traveling salesmen, I don’t know. But by the time they’ve gone down the list to Guam, Paraguay and Reyjavik my eyes have glazed over a bit. I’m all for travel, but I got a little dizzy hearing about all the places one man had been and still felt the burning desire yet to see with the “ideal woman”. This man should really be trolling travel bureaus or car rental desks for dates. I’d bet those ladies would adore him and, in the big picture, be a real asset.
Another ramblin’ man mentioned that he traveled a lot for work and that the “woman of his dreams” would accompany him now and then or, at least, not mind that he was out of the country a good portion of the year. Well, hallelujah for a man like that. Not underfoot all the time, leaving the toothpaste cap five feet from where the tube normally sits or asking what else is there to eat after 2.5 hours were spent shopping, preparing and cooking what’s on the table. Here, baby – here’s your passport. See you when you get back. I’m sure you’ll be happy to see the magnificent pasta dish I’ve prepared once you’ve tried the unidentifiable foods in the outreaches of China. Oh, and don’t fret about not keeping in touch too much while you’re away, either. Just text/email me once a day to wish me sweet dreams and let me know you’re not teats up in a ditch having been run over by a crazed water buffalo (possibly driven by a woman whose husband turned his nose up at what was at the end of his chopstick).
Along with the 2,000 word description of self and that which you are seeking (thank you, Yoda) you’re encouraged to check boxes from a variety of activities to indicate your hobbies. You get to choose from reading, museums, music, cooking, wine tasting, camping (aak!) and a few more. All wonderful pursuits and certainly enjoyable, but I question why are there no realistic boxes to check, like —
O Cooking [which you’ll do and I’ll eat. If I like it.]
O Reading [limited to comics, graphic novels (or unsavory material) while in the bathroom.]
O Museums [auto-related. Only.]
O Music [set to Monday Night Football or behind the gory movies I’ll watch repeatedly.]
O Wine tasting [or anything flammable that shows up in a glass or red plastic cup.]
Nope, I can tell you right now that I’m not going to be very good at this. But, I have a feeling that I’m going to enjoy the process a bit more than your average bear. And to the tune of a lot more than two thousand words, too. Why, already I’m close to a thousand now, (950 to be exact), and I haven’t even left my keyboard. Yet. Oh, the tales that have yet to be told… just not around a campfire. At least, not by yours truly.
