As an outsider looking in on a relationship, I have to tell you that it is not always what you think it is.  If you’re an intelligent, discerning individual I believe you can certainly call out and identify what you believe you see, but there are gray areas and hairline cracks that you cannot possibly make out as well as you think you do.  There is a reason there is an alternate title for a relationship status on Facebook. “It’s complicated” is a real thing.

For example, I know of an older, retired couple who have been together for decades and if you were to sit across the table from them over a casual dinner, as I did recently, you might label their relationship to be one of the most irritable unions ever known to man or woman.  You might think to yourself, “Oh, these people could not POSSIBLY be happy.”  Well, maybe they’re not, but it is not for you to say.  Yes, she picks on every word that falls out of his mouth.  She also seems to belittle his every single choice in life, including the idea of any food that he might find delicious.  The poor guy is not even allowed to order that which makes his mouth water at a restaurant, because she makes fun of his possible selections and announces to everyone within earshot that “he simply has no taste.”  Watch closely and you’ll see that he sits in dejected silence, with his shoulders rounded and appears visibly wounded by her words.

There is another couple I know of, who are married with children and give the impression that they are united in all things as far as parenting.  For the most part, they seem to be well-matched as they participate in mutual activities as a couple, too.  You’ll see them cheer their kids on at sporting events and even hold hands when they are walking onto the golf course for a shared day on the links.  In their home, family photos fill every nook and cranny and in conversation you’ll hear them finish one another’s sentences or thoughts.  In all areas they present a united front and seem to have a more or less simpatico relationship.  She might privately complain to you and disclose elements of dissatisfaction and discontent with her husband, but you need to know that is not the full map of that relationship.  There are hills and valleys that make for a complicated landscape that is not easily understood or navigated by an outsider.

We are awfully complicated little planets and there are so many undiscovered, uncharted territories in our own minds –the idea that we could presume to know what’s going on over there, in somebody else’s round globe of a head is absolutely ludicrous to me.

I can guarantee you that the older couple has a multi-layered method of communication that is not simple to interpret or to make sense of.  It is very likely they also have convoluted negotiations and unusual coping mechanisms that are foreign to anyone who isn’t them.  What you might witness in a short period of time doesn’t mean that they are always unhappy, nor does it mean that they never have moments of adoration and understanding between the two of them.  It’s complicated.

That married couple may seem doomed to you, because you think you see one thing on the outside and have what you believe to be the insider’s track on her side of the story – but there is more to the tale than you’re being told.  There are two sides to every story and then there’s the truth.  It’s complicated.

Poets, musicians and psychologists have agonized for eons about what they believe to be true about love and they have twisted and turned every possible phrase to describe what they think they see and know.  But, I’m here to tell you that not every round orange thing is a tangerine.  It’s complicated.

xo – t.

“There is no word that rhymes with orange.” – Commonly held belief.

“The rumor that “orange” rhymes with no other word is incorrect. Orange rhymes with Blorenge (a mountain in Wales) and sporange (a sac where spores are made).” – Dictionary.com

“There is no limit to how complicated things can get, on account of one thing always leading to another.” – E.B. White