“If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” So says one of my favorite writers, Anne Lamott and I agree.  This time of year has Santa checking his list of Naughty or Nice and I think he’s on to something.  Not so much to determine whether or not to give them something extravagant from the Sharper Image Catalog, but to decide whether or not to give them the gift of you — your time, emotion or even the cost of a penny for your thoughts.

This year, as I sit with my list I realize there are an awful lot of people that land in the Naughty column.  To help us winnow down and assess properly, I’d like for you and I to not have any confusion about the definition of the word, so I’m giving you some alternates.  Sort of the Mad Libs of behavior:

Pull up the Thesaurus and search for “Naughty” and this is what you’ll find:

Badly-behaved (which is right next to bad, so… bad is bad)

Wicked

Ill-disiplined

Mildly Rude or Indecent

Bawdy

Rabelasian

Risque

Racy

Unruly

Insubordinate

Delinquent

Undisiciplined

Disruptive

Factrious

Recalcitrant

Wile

Obstreperous (my personal favorite)

Difficult

Troublesome

Contrary

Perverse

Incorrigible

I could go on, but really?  I wouldn’t even want a dog or cat that behaved in a manner befitting even ONE of those words.  Do you really want to jump through human hoops to reward the bad behavior of the people not on your Nice List?

No, no, no-no-no.  Don’t do it.

If you must, I’m going to suggest you only give gifts designed to warm the Grinchiest, Scroogiest hearts.  Cocoa.  Fuzzy socks.  Maybe a good self-help book and some reading spectacles.

Wishing you a very joyous holiday season and a wonderful countdown to the new year, surrounded by people who bring only the Nice to your table [and if Naughty shows up, I hope it’s the right kind, like mischievous or impish – even St. Nick turns a chubby cheek to that]. And remember, you have permission to WRITE about the wicked ones — as for me? I’ve been taking notes and writing down names for a very, very long time. Why, I’m quite happy to see the above-mentioned gifts when they show up in my stocking.  :;^)

xo – t.