Cheaters, Weasels and Charlatans.  Sometimes, they are all three personified in the same body like some unholy trifecta of badness.  Honestly, I have to believe that in a race, it would be hard to determine exactly which one is first/worse.  For some of my nearest and dearest, who have mentioned, married or come across individuals they have independently named as Cheaters, Weasels or Charlatans, I happen to think they’re all equally bad and in recent conversation, I felt it necessary to point out that they really are actually just one and the same (i.e. Cheaters are Weasels, Charlatans are Cheaters, etc.) —  So, let’s break them down (in alphabetical order), shall we?

Charlatan

Noun \shär-lə-tən\ A person who falsely pretends to know or be something in order to deceive people.  Okay.  First off, I have to tell you that this definition came from the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, but I absolutely LOVE the way Wikipedia (and calm down – love ‘em or hate, Wikipedia is here to stay) describes the word: A charlatan is a person practicing quackery or some similar confidence trick in order to obtain money, fame or other advantages via some form of pretense or deception.  Say what you will about the Kardashians, they are not pretending to be something that they are not in order to put your money in their pockets.

Cheater

Noun \chētər\ A person who cheats.  Again, I turn to Merriam-Webster for that information, but love what Urban Dictionary says: A person who betrays someone they love… they go on to say something about that individual being inebriated and not sounding remorseful when found out.  While that is a super entertaining way to describe something nasty and distasteful, the thing about cheaters is – they aren’t always found out.  So, remorse and regret don’t enter their consciousness.  Not that I think it ever really does anywhoose.

Weasel

Noun \wē-zəl\ 1) A small slender carnivorous mammal related to, but generally smaller than the stoat.  What?  What is a stoat even?!  [Pardon me, I’ll be right back.]  Oh.  A stoat is related to the weasel family, but is described as having “chestnut fur with white underparts (which I totally read as underpants – ha!) whose coat turns white in winter.  2) A deceitful or treacherous person.  – Thank you, Oxford Dictionary.  Beware of both, they will bite you.

All boiled down like that, it is easier to see that the Cheater who secretly met with the object of his/her affection while telling his children/babysitter/wife that he was doing something of benefit to the community/employer/family was really a Charlatan and most definitely a Weasel (both because he/she was deceitful AND treacherous and the steak dinner he consumed at the Backwoods Inn made him carnivorous – and smaller than that stoat, in my opinion).

It also means that the Weasel who hid addictive/abusive behavior, entered into a public relationship and then privately turned to a substance/habit/individual instead of their partner all the while proclaiming undying loyalty, affection and love for them anyway is also Cheater and Charlatan.

Oh, I don’t even want to trot out the age-old snakeoil salesmen peddling potions, wares and books that don’t remotely resemble the conviction of their black hearts and souls.  History keeps repeating itself and the Charlatan-Cheater-Weasels continue to live in the tiniest slice of pie of the world’s wealth distribution charts.

Now that you have full knowledge of the three evil characters, you will more easily be able to label the ones in your life.  Be careful not to do so in writing, they call that libel – which is why I won’t name names when you come to Tea with T.

But, if we happen to share a pot of tea one of these days — well, it is very possible that names will fall out of my head should we indulge in high tea one afternoon.  Uhm…and that’s only slander when the information spoken is false.

Thank you, U.S. Legal Dictionary.

xo – t.

“A weasel comes to say “Happy New Year” to the chickens.”  – Chinese Proverb

“A nation is no better than its charlatans.” – Unknown

“Cheaters never prosper. (Because they suck.)” – Greg Behrendt