Standing in the dermatologists’ office during a recent visit with my teenagers for teen skin issues, I innocently asked the aesthetician what she thought of my skin.  Honestly, I was sort of hoping for a smile and a “Gee, you take pretty good care of your skin” – since I mostly stay out of the sun, wear an SPF high enough be used safely on the beaches of Mercury and make a concentrated effort not to frown too much (mostly, my lines fall pretty squarely into place when I smile). 

What I got instead, was a glimpse of the aesthetician’s perfectly plumped pursed-in-concern lips, a shaking of her exquisitely coiffed hair and something to the tune of “Hmm… well, we could certainly use some freshening up, now couldn’t we?”  Freshening up turns out to be dermatology code-talker phrase for powerful facial peeling chemical sessions, fractionated laser treatments to vaporize unwanted brown age spots (which apparently aren’t the cute old-lady freckles I thought they were), intense high beam zapping of unsightly rogue hairs, multiple injections of botulism toxins to the forehead and temples and gnarly sounding high-frequency pulsing device that attacks the tiny broken capillaries that gather in the tender folds of skin on the sides of the nose. 

It’s scary enough to be threatened with all of the above-mentioned procedures, but even more frightening to be told while staring into one of the most intense magnifying mirrors known to man (or wrinkled woman), making it hard to tell if you’re looking at your own skin or images from the 1969 moon mission.

I don’t mind admitting that the vertical happy/quizzical lines in my forehead turned to a deep-grooved “11” in the middle of my face when it was quoted that the highly-qualified doctor could turn the clock back a good five to ten years for me — all for the low-low price of about $2,500 (although additional treatments might be needed and, of course, unaccounted for in the initial quote).

Seriously, if I could just turn my own bedside clock back a few hours and buy myself a nap, I think it would do wonders for me.  In fact, I can guarantee you that a little less stress and lot more sleep would have me feeling, if not looking, five to ten years younger and would most definitely lead to the sensation of substantial freshening up.  And if beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder then maybe I just won’t “be holdin” any magnifying mirrors too close to my unpeeled/non-laser-beamed/bacteria-free/anti-pulsified face for awhile.  That oughta help, a lot.  At this point, I’m okay being Cleopatra (Queen, as she was, of denial).

For the moment, the only thing that anybody’s going to be freshening up around here is my rather large glass of iced tea.  At $2.50 a box, I hear that green tea is filled with antioxidants and anti-aging materials… and it’ll have to do.  As far as lowering stress levels and raising the sleep quotient around here – I’m working on that.  Trying to do so might add additional lines to my face, but at least now I know where they store the nuclear artillery if I ever do decide to put my face in the line of fire.