“Any negative number is less than any positive number.”  I don’t even LIKE numbers, but they have that logic going for them – and that is enough to make us friends.  Negative people, on the other hand (with the five digits I count on, regularly), don’t make the short list on my dance card of friends.  Ain’t nobody got time for that.

The other day, my Maternal Unit was absolutely insistent that I carve time out of my crazy-busy schedule to see a few of the world’s most negative individuals.  Really, that title should be capitalized and italicized (The World’s Most Negative Individuals), but there isn’t a sideshow left who would hire them.  Plus, who would pay for that?  No.  Ain’t nobody got time (or money) for that.

Here I had the chance to see the world’s most negative individuals for free, in what would no doubt include Dinner AND a Show, so to speak (judging on past performances)… but I passed, saying, “I cannot UNhear what comes out of their mouths.”  See, I have a problem with cluttering what’s left of my remaining brain cells with the gossip and slander that those people would have served up over a bowl of lentil soup.  They have a tendency to speak terribly ill of people I happen to care for very much and, well – it makes me sick.  Ain’t nobody got time (or medicine) for that.

No.  There is a limit to how much negativity I will make time for.  Even the news has become painfully difficult to bear and, as it is, I read it on-line – picking and choosing which headlines to click and fill my head with.  I can no longer listen as television or radio newscasters seamlessly switch gears from a tragic shooting or violent crime to some off-site reporter weighing in on cakes at a local bridal fair or classic car shows at the beach.  My empathy cogs and wheels can’t downshift that quickly.  Ain’t nobody got time (or calibration tools) for that.

Recently, I told my 20 year old daughter that while some parents spend their elder years nagging their offspring, I’m going to spend what’s left of my days “sharing the funny.”  Truly, if I can truffle-snuffle out at least two extremely hilarious things to share with my children before the end of the day, I feel that I’ve done a fairly good job as their mom, now that they’re almost grown.  Because life?  Well, life is going to be one constantly in-motion trebuchet, launching cartloads of negativity in their general direction.  If I can be a source of light, happiness and gahsnorfling chuckles — perhaps it will cut their time in a therapy chair down (or out).  That is so much better than wallowing in unpleasantness.  Ain’t nobody got time (or good enough medical insurance) for that.

There was a very large portion of my existence that was spent taking care of; cleaning up after; and mending fences for negative people in my world.  I once worked for a man who fired me on the spot (after years of employment) for ordering flowers he deemed “ too <expletive deleted> ugly” for the network broadcasters he was trying to impress (to be fair, it was autumn and the florist only had two choices – I chose the wrong one, in his mind).  I was once involved with a man who routinely made me change my clothes, hair and makeup because he disapproved of the way I looked.  Growing up, the adults around me were hypercritical, usually about things that couldn’t be changed or helped (many things that didn’t amount to a hill o’ beans either, when all was said and done).  Ain’t nobody that got no time for that.  And, yes.  I am fully aware of the double (triple?) negative in that last sentence and will forthwith cease to use them ever again.  In fact, there is simply a whole lot of negative I don’t ever wish to revisit.  Never.  Ever.  Again.

It is high time that you and I make room for positive things and people.  Think about it.  We’ve got time – we’ll make time — for that.

“If it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn’t, it ain’t. That’s logic.” ~ Tweedledee

“Positive anything is better than negative nothing.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference.  The little difference is attitude.  The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.” ~ W. Clement Stone